Adoption Tolerances - Difficult but Important Decisions

Adoption tolerances represent decisions each adopting parent must make and agree to PRIOR to being placed in the emotionally charged “adoption birth” situation. These tolerances include health issues of the Birthmom and child, your threshold for “openness” of your adoption, and your tolerance for financial commitments.

You must openly discuss the following issues together and come to some agreement as to your “adoption tolerances”. 

Adoption Openness Tolerance

Open adoptions have many levels of “openness”. But they all have one thing in common…there will be some level of communication with the adopting parents and the birthparents.

Here is a simple differentiation of various levels of openness for adoption. As a couple, you should consider the degree of openness you are willing to accept and will be willing to live with. This decision will be with you for the rest of your life!

Closed Adoption: sharing only written information that won’t identify the people involved, with no contact after placement.

Restricted Open Adoption: sharing pictures or letters through a third party before the adoption is finalized, with no direct contact between the people involved.

Semi-Open Adoption: Allowing a meeting that preserves anonymity between birth parents and adoptive parents prior to placement. Birth and adoptive parents may exchange letters, pictures or gifts for a pre-determined length of time after placement.

Fully Disclosed Adoption: Allowing birth parents and adoptive parents to meet and share identifying information for a limited time.

Continuing Fully Disclosed Adoption: Allowing birth parents to visit the adoptive family throughout the child’s life.

Use this checklist to see how “open” you are willing to go.

• one-way information (one party has non-identifying information on the other party).
• both parties share non-identifying information.
• birthparents select adopting parents from biographies, adopting parents receives a letter, diary or journal from the birth mother for the child.
• pictures, letters, etc. shared between the adopting parents and the Birthmom.
• a phone conversation is held before or after the birth.
• a taped message is offered from the adopting parents and/or Birthmom.
• meet each other with out identities shared.
• meet each other with identities shared.
• meet with the child present.
• birth mother allowed to visit the child throughout its life.

It is wise to proceed with caution when moving forward with higher levels of openness. If you have difficulty with this decision, or have difficulty agreeing on your tolerance, consult your attorney and/or agency. Also, I suggest reading Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin.

With our son, we, along with our Birthmother, agreed to a Semi-open Adoption. We met her while she was 8 months along (identities concealed), actually visited her in the hospital a day after the birth, and now exchange an annual letter and a few photographs (through our agency). This level of openness works for us. But YOUR level can only be decided by YOU!

Warmly,

Sandy and David