Adoption Tolerances - Difficult but Important Decisions

Adoption tolerances represent decisions each adopting parent must make and agree to PRIOR to being placed in the emotionally charged “adoption birth” situation. These tolerances include health issues of the Birthmom and child, your threshold for “openness” of your adoption, and your tolerance for financial commitments.

You must openly discuss the following issues together and come to some agreement as to your “adoption tolerances”. 

Birthmom and Child Tolerances

As you pursue your adoption dreams, you may feel a sense of desperation. And so, when you are presented with a Birthmom interested in you…you may be tempted to “go to any lengths” to make the adoption work. You will ask, "Will this be our only one?"

But understand that the risk is higher with young Birthmoms for complications including low birth weight, premature deaths, and drug and alcohol related problems. It is important to evaluate your needs in raising a child of such a pregnancy.

Filling in the blanks below will determine your “ideal” profiles for your Birthmom and child. Then, you must discuss how far from these “ideals” you will be willing to deviate.

During this exercise, you must suspend your “emotional” side for a while, and make some very calculated decisions. Of course, when you are faced with an actual adoption situation, you may deviate from the decisions made here…and that’s ok. But for now, the two of you must both agree on where you each stand as you begin this process.

One of the hardest decisions is how to handle an unhealthy newborn. The birth mother and the adopting parents need to agree, prior to birth, how this will be handled. Some adopting parents consider the child theirs no matter what its health; some adopting parents opt for an unhealthy child to be placed elsewhere. This is a private decision and you should evaluate your needs very carefully.

Your “Ideal Birthmom” Profile

Since it is illegal for the Birthmom to sign termination papers prior to the birth, no adoption is certain. But you can determine how much emotional risk you want to put into your adoption.

Birthmom’s commitment to her plan: _______-----_______
This will be a “judgment call” on your part. 1=low commitment, 10 = strong commitment

Birthmom’s willingness for post-adoption counseling: _______________
A Birthmom unwilling to undergo counseling offers a large risk factor!

Age Range: ________________________________________ 
How young/ old of a Birthmom are you willing to accept?

Race / Religion: ____________________________________ 
Does your race or religion place restrictions on the race or religion of the birth parents?

Health Status: (Y/N/Maybe)

HIV Positive _____________

Improper prenatal care during pregnancy ____________

Illegal drugs used during pregnancy: ____________

Tobacco used during pregnancy: ___________

Alcohol used during pregnancy: ___________

Other major diseases or behaviors that “transfer” to the child:

________________________________________________

Your “Ideal Child” Profile

Age Range: ______________________________________ 
How young/ old will you accept? Newborn (0-1 month), Infant (1-11 months), Toddler (12-24 months), 2+ years.

Race: ____________________________________ 
Does your race/religion place restrictions on the race of the child?

Gender Preference: Male ______ Female ______ No Preference ______

Multiple Births: Twins ______ Triplets ______ Sibling Groups ______

Health Status: (Y/N/Maybe)

Physically handicapped: ____________ (scale from Minor – to Major)

Mentally handicapped: ____________ (scale from Minor – to Major)

Other birth complications: ____________ (scale from Minor – to Major)

Down’s Syndrome: ___________

HIV Positive _____________

Other major health considerations:

________________________________________________

As you can see, these issues MUST at least be considered and discussed as you plan for your adoption. To ignore them now will only place undue burden on your emotions when your Birthmom is in the delivery room.